I don't think I could ever get enough hugs. There could not be enough minutes in a day to satisfy me in this department. There is just something extremely warming about getting a good hold on a person and squeezing.
I just had the best long weekend with old friends. I made new friends. I hugged them all. Hell I hugged strangers. Something about getting that affinity flowing that makes me happy.
Friday, November 12, 2010
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Hippie tendencies
I am starting to think I am hot in the middle of a midlife rebellion and I have been displaying some hippie tendencies. My viewpoints are shifting so rapidly I can hardly keep up. It's fun! So fun! It's all lining up for me.
Here are some I've settled on as of this Sunday that I wanted to share with you.
Who made your boundaries? Either you did or you agreed to the boundaries another has given you. You can change them any time. Live. Be happy. Cause joy. God helps those who help themselves. Help those who help themselves. Shake off the people who suck the life out of you and make you feel like absolute crap. Seriously. Kick them to the curb and don't look back. Don't sprinkle around bitterness and despair. Regret nothing because you do nothing you'd ever regret. It does not matter one little bit if people like you. Only that you like yourself. Your decisions can be undecided and new ones put in place. No one has the power to ruin your life except for you. Your life is what you make it. Make it a great one! Love.
My opinions are subject to shift. :)
Here are some I've settled on as of this Sunday that I wanted to share with you.
Who made your boundaries? Either you did or you agreed to the boundaries another has given you. You can change them any time. Live. Be happy. Cause joy. God helps those who help themselves. Help those who help themselves. Shake off the people who suck the life out of you and make you feel like absolute crap. Seriously. Kick them to the curb and don't look back. Don't sprinkle around bitterness and despair. Regret nothing because you do nothing you'd ever regret. It does not matter one little bit if people like you. Only that you like yourself. Your decisions can be undecided and new ones put in place. No one has the power to ruin your life except for you. Your life is what you make it. Make it a great one! Love.
My opinions are subject to shift. :)
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Feelings really suck.
I'm going to preface this entire horrible public spewing of "feelings" with:
If it weren't for the 6 fun things I did, the genuine love of two old friends, the giving in of one person and my hosts who were beyond fantastic and concerned with my welfare, I may have leaped off of something very tall. I'm especially grateful for my hosts. They really went above and beyond anything I could ever expect of friends. I am forever in their debt. I did have fun in everything that I did do. If you know me you've likely heard all the cool stuff and think I had a blast the whole trip. In time... that's what the story will become for me. I will have blocked everything else much the same as a woman blocks the painful memories of childbirth.
That said, maybe I can write about my trip now without being too bummed out. Nope. Guess not. Just starting to type has me tearing up and getting sniffly. Oh well. It's obvious I need to vent and get the yuck and upset out of me because it's been near 2 months since I came back and I am still very sad about a lot of it.
I think that maybe a girl of my age and wisdom should really know by now to not have such high expectations of people. I probably should not form ideals in my mind and expect the world to fall in line behind me. But, I do. I always do. Usually, all goes as I plan. This time however it did not. Not only did it not, but it was so far from the fun I had envisioned I almost left 2 days into my 7 day trip. I didn't because I still had faith. I really should have left. It would have saved me hours of tears and a horrible freakin cold. I never ever get colds! Ever. OMG, did I get sick. I was so upset I lost 5 pounds in the 7 days I was there. That is unheard of. Stupid feelings. I hate having stupid emotionally charged feelings, but FUCK this really has me charged up. I wouldn't even be writing about it except for the fact that I really don't think anyone will read it and it'll help me cease being sad. Probably. I hope.
I don't know that I have ever been so neglected and downright unacknowledged in my life. I went to see all these people that I really cared for in my past. 15 at least. I was cancelled on, straight up ignored, promises broken. Ahhhhhh! I understand that people are busy. I know that they have lives. I know that I am likely not an important piece of their present. Here is what I would do for someone I consider a friend: I would make time. Whatever it took. I would make time. I will always make time. 5 minutes or a day. Whatever is needed. Whatever is wanted. If you come to visit the state I am in and wish to see me, I will move mountains to make it happen. Things are not important. Tasks can wait. People are what matters. You matter to me. The people that straight up ignored me, matter to me and I will go back and try to lose another 5 pounds in the fall.
(10 months have passed. I'm posting this to unclog my sticky bloggery communication and while proof reading, I find it still makes me cry) Holy Shit!
If it weren't for the 6 fun things I did, the genuine love of two old friends, the giving in of one person and my hosts who were beyond fantastic and concerned with my welfare, I may have leaped off of something very tall. I'm especially grateful for my hosts. They really went above and beyond anything I could ever expect of friends. I am forever in their debt. I did have fun in everything that I did do. If you know me you've likely heard all the cool stuff and think I had a blast the whole trip. In time... that's what the story will become for me. I will have blocked everything else much the same as a woman blocks the painful memories of childbirth.
That said, maybe I can write about my trip now without being too bummed out. Nope. Guess not. Just starting to type has me tearing up and getting sniffly. Oh well. It's obvious I need to vent and get the yuck and upset out of me because it's been near 2 months since I came back and I am still very sad about a lot of it.
I think that maybe a girl of my age and wisdom should really know by now to not have such high expectations of people. I probably should not form ideals in my mind and expect the world to fall in line behind me. But, I do. I always do. Usually, all goes as I plan. This time however it did not. Not only did it not, but it was so far from the fun I had envisioned I almost left 2 days into my 7 day trip. I didn't because I still had faith. I really should have left. It would have saved me hours of tears and a horrible freakin cold. I never ever get colds! Ever. OMG, did I get sick. I was so upset I lost 5 pounds in the 7 days I was there. That is unheard of. Stupid feelings. I hate having stupid emotionally charged feelings, but FUCK this really has me charged up. I wouldn't even be writing about it except for the fact that I really don't think anyone will read it and it'll help me cease being sad. Probably. I hope.
I don't know that I have ever been so neglected and downright unacknowledged in my life. I went to see all these people that I really cared for in my past. 15 at least. I was cancelled on, straight up ignored, promises broken. Ahhhhhh! I understand that people are busy. I know that they have lives. I know that I am likely not an important piece of their present. Here is what I would do for someone I consider a friend: I would make time. Whatever it took. I would make time. I will always make time. 5 minutes or a day. Whatever is needed. Whatever is wanted. If you come to visit the state I am in and wish to see me, I will move mountains to make it happen. Things are not important. Tasks can wait. People are what matters. You matter to me. The people that straight up ignored me, matter to me and I will go back and try to lose another 5 pounds in the fall.
(10 months have passed. I'm posting this to unclog my sticky bloggery communication and while proof reading, I find it still makes me cry) Holy Shit!
Friday, March 19, 2010
Friendship just is
I just saw many childhood friends after a lifetime of absence. I observed that once a good friend, always a good friend. Time is not powerful. Distance has no bearing. Communication given truly and with good intention makes these two things petty and unimportant. Friendship just is. Sometimes one may need to whack some dust off to reveal the shiny love beneath. But the love is there. It is merely awaiting the effort to bring it back into the light. I found that everyone I saw was like they were when I knew them before. Only now they are more of themselves. They are stronger, more responsible, more self assured and they are awesome! And…get this! They are grown ups! Ha! This just amuses me. This might actually mean that I am too, but I will not visit that theory too closely!
Monday, February 8, 2010
Vacation Butterflies
Oh sweet Jesus! I am about to do the funnest thing ever! EVER! E..V..E..R!!!!!!!!
I will be vacationing alone. I will not be going to see any relatives. No husband or child will accompany me and make me do stuff that isn't fun. I will not be attending any boring seminar with business associates. (As if there's a pressing waitress convention) HA! Notta single person that will require ANYTHING of me will be trailing behind me whining about a one freakin thing!
Now, I know you may be thinking...(has Angel finally cracked through the thin barrier of what she loosely refers to as reality? Is this a "voluntary vacation"? Is she going to be rolling around in a soft room, loosely restrained and being spoon fed?) Hell! If I'm LUCKY! (giggle..that's a funny picture!)
If my baby daddy were reading this, he may have expressed a touch of concern just then..but, well...yeah... He won't. He doesn't think I am all that funny. Voluptuous yes. Funny no. I ask, what's not funny about me sing'n a little "Batter Up" by Nelly? I don't sound like someone fresh outta Compton? Fo shizzle my nizzle Snoop Dogg ain't got nothin' on me! It's pure delight I tell you! Or, he may think I've written another poem and avoid reading this like it were the hand of God set to lay him out. He does not enjoy a good piece of poetry. Devastatingly sad, but it is what it is. I do not want him all worked up anyways. He needs quiet. He is still suffering from the shock of seeing me be super, unrestrainably social. You know, my native state. Poor guy. I've been hiding it well all these years. I didn't want to scare him off with my enthusiasm. He's a bit reserved. I happened to meet him just after I became sick of talking to people. And my fun loving, frolicsome "friends" kept calling to see if I were single yet..turns out my man didn't appreciate their sentiments. (I thought this was a polite and completely valid question) Guess not. Combine those two scenarios and you can see, I have had next to no communication with the outside world. For a long long time. Just my equally unsocial BFF.
So, anyhoo, I ramble. Back to my trip. I am going to see friends from WAY back. People I loved beyond loved and spent freakin 24-7 with. Oh my! I had so much fun with them. Now, an unmentionable number of years later I get to return to the loving arms of my childhood joy. Yeah.. I am a little nervous now that I have actually committed to travel. I've purchased my ticket. I've taken the time off work. I've told my young'n and my man that they will have to fend for themselves because I am going to have some fun! FUN!!
AHHHH!!!! HOLY SHIT! WHAT DID I DO?? I was left unattended and look what I did! I had even forgotten to tell the man I had bought my ticket. Oops. Ha ha!! My bad.
Nerves! I think I may have developed some! Plural. Is this what nerves are? Butterflies! A google of them have taken up residence in my tummy. What am I actually going to do there for 6 days? Will they still like me? What if no one will pick me up at the airport? Or, return me? Is it really ok to just plop down in the middle of their lives with my Angeljoy? I'm oozing sunshine with every step I take. Is this acceptable? Will I amuse them? A little bit? Do they think it's funny if a short white girl raps? Will they think it's scary if I think it's funny? Sometimes the need to sing is strong in me. As is the need to throw my arms around a person and squeeze them unexpectedly. Too much? I will find out I guess. Can I bring my hula hoop or is that stupid? I hope I don't cry. I do NOT look like a delicate flower of femininity when I cry. I am totally going to cry! What will I wear? What will I eat? What if I can't get a french vanilla latte? How am I actually going to get around to see everyone..roller blades? City bus?
Muffin top. I have muffin top! I'm driving myself crazy! Oh my God!! Does it matter what will happen? Not so much. Things will be awesome like they always are. Right? I'm counting on my charmed existence to see me through. That and the fact that they are super duper excellently wonderful friends! They really are being quite accommodating to me and my imminent arrival. They would take me even if I smelled funny and drooled kool-aid. Probably. OMG! What if I do and no one has told me?
Really these are fleeting thoughts. But the fact that I even have them is freakish and it's messing with my balance. I am not an insecure, nervous kind of person. So, the few hours I spend wringing my hands over this stupid pointless crap is kind of amusing to me. It will all work out. I will have fun. I will post pictures. If I have too much fun, there will not be pictures! Except, maybe a mug shot. Got my fingers crossed. You get bail money ready! Don't tell my man. He's resting and he's going to need his strength to keep up with me.
I will be vacationing alone. I will not be going to see any relatives. No husband or child will accompany me and make me do stuff that isn't fun. I will not be attending any boring seminar with business associates. (As if there's a pressing waitress convention) HA! Notta single person that will require ANYTHING of me will be trailing behind me whining about a one freakin thing!
Now, I know you may be thinking...(has Angel finally cracked through the thin barrier of what she loosely refers to as reality? Is this a "voluntary vacation"? Is she going to be rolling around in a soft room, loosely restrained and being spoon fed?) Hell! If I'm LUCKY! (giggle..that's a funny picture!)
If my baby daddy were reading this, he may have expressed a touch of concern just then..but, well...yeah... He won't. He doesn't think I am all that funny. Voluptuous yes. Funny no. I ask, what's not funny about me sing'n a little "Batter Up" by Nelly? I don't sound like someone fresh outta Compton? Fo shizzle my nizzle Snoop Dogg ain't got nothin' on me! It's pure delight I tell you! Or, he may think I've written another poem and avoid reading this like it were the hand of God set to lay him out. He does not enjoy a good piece of poetry. Devastatingly sad, but it is what it is. I do not want him all worked up anyways. He needs quiet. He is still suffering from the shock of seeing me be super, unrestrainably social. You know, my native state. Poor guy. I've been hiding it well all these years. I didn't want to scare him off with my enthusiasm. He's a bit reserved. I happened to meet him just after I became sick of talking to people. And my fun loving, frolicsome "friends" kept calling to see if I were single yet..turns out my man didn't appreciate their sentiments. (I thought this was a polite and completely valid question) Guess not. Combine those two scenarios and you can see, I have had next to no communication with the outside world. For a long long time. Just my equally unsocial BFF.
So, anyhoo, I ramble. Back to my trip. I am going to see friends from WAY back. People I loved beyond loved and spent freakin 24-7 with. Oh my! I had so much fun with them. Now, an unmentionable number of years later I get to return to the loving arms of my childhood joy. Yeah.. I am a little nervous now that I have actually committed to travel. I've purchased my ticket. I've taken the time off work. I've told my young'n and my man that they will have to fend for themselves because I am going to have some fun! FUN!!
AHHHH!!!! HOLY SHIT! WHAT DID I DO?? I was left unattended and look what I did! I had even forgotten to tell the man I had bought my ticket. Oops. Ha ha!! My bad.
Nerves! I think I may have developed some! Plural. Is this what nerves are? Butterflies! A google of them have taken up residence in my tummy. What am I actually going to do there for 6 days? Will they still like me? What if no one will pick me up at the airport? Or, return me? Is it really ok to just plop down in the middle of their lives with my Angeljoy? I'm oozing sunshine with every step I take. Is this acceptable? Will I amuse them? A little bit? Do they think it's funny if a short white girl raps? Will they think it's scary if I think it's funny? Sometimes the need to sing is strong in me. As is the need to throw my arms around a person and squeeze them unexpectedly. Too much? I will find out I guess. Can I bring my hula hoop or is that stupid? I hope I don't cry. I do NOT look like a delicate flower of femininity when I cry. I am totally going to cry! What will I wear? What will I eat? What if I can't get a french vanilla latte? How am I actually going to get around to see everyone..roller blades? City bus?
Muffin top. I have muffin top! I'm driving myself crazy! Oh my God!! Does it matter what will happen? Not so much. Things will be awesome like they always are. Right? I'm counting on my charmed existence to see me through. That and the fact that they are super duper excellently wonderful friends! They really are being quite accommodating to me and my imminent arrival. They would take me even if I smelled funny and drooled kool-aid. Probably. OMG! What if I do and no one has told me?
Really these are fleeting thoughts. But the fact that I even have them is freakish and it's messing with my balance. I am not an insecure, nervous kind of person. So, the few hours I spend wringing my hands over this stupid pointless crap is kind of amusing to me. It will all work out. I will have fun. I will post pictures. If I have too much fun, there will not be pictures! Except, maybe a mug shot. Got my fingers crossed. You get bail money ready! Don't tell my man. He's resting and he's going to need his strength to keep up with me.
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