Stupid Dumbass Conspiracy

I am not a conspiracy theorist on a normal, average day. Even though I'm a big player on this planet, I do not think anyone is out to get me personally. The government could not possibly be doing all the crazy shit people say it is. I know some fine folks really think so. I'm not trying to be a party-pooper. To speak honestly, I've been known to jump on a few bandwagons and wag my finger from my soapbox in an accusatory, righteous manner. But come on! There is too much "red tape" for this to be a fact. It would take ages to get government approval to commit secret large scale events. If they actually are doing these things? Well, at least they are keeping themselves busy. The government is a huge, insane machine. Do you want them to be bored with a lot of time on their hands?
I don't want to get any emails claiming that the "one" that you personally believe in, is in fact, happening at this very moment. I am surrounded by loved ones and friends who know too much. They have "researched it on the Internet". And, while we ALL know the Internet is riddled with undisputed fact, I tend to remain skeptical. In all fairness, they may be right. This is why I am relying on them to keep an eye on things and alert me to imminent danger. I have enough food to keep me and mine for a few months. I know where to find berries in the woods and how to fish if the food supply is threatened. I can even collect water via condensation. I am prepared for almost anything! I'm even ready with an acknowledgement for you if you must vent about the danger we are all facing.
So, that said, I must state my current suspicion. (I'm whispering so my voice is not picked up by satellite recorders) I think "they" are adding stupid to the water. "They" need you dumbed up. You are far to clever and might discover what is actually going on! Maybe it's a little stupid mixed in with the high fructose corn syrup or a sprinkle of dumbass in the vaccines. (no yelling) I'm with you on those two. That's why I'm even daring to suggest it! I'm certain it's liberally added to psychiatric meds and maybe regular meds too. Where is it exactly? Who is doing it? I am not sure about either of those. All I know is that people are walking around with their heads wedged firmly up their asses and they cannot see the world. Some, believe it or not, cannot even see the humor! Grrrr! Stupid people! You my friends are not my target. I'm about to rant and I wanted you to know that I do not add you in my tirade.
Let me list...Green means go! Stop DIRECTLY behind the cross walk, not 15 feet before you arrive at it. Pull up to the car in front of you so the turn lanes are not blocked. Driving up my ass will not make me move over. It will however activate my middle finger and a rushing stream of obscenities hollered out the window. You know who you are! Stop!! Don't cut in front of people in a line. Your snotty nosed, parentally ignored, publicly screaming children reflect badly upon you! Don't buy them the candy to pacify them. If your kid is asking politely, splurge the 50 cents! Cheap bastard! What if you had to count on some harried tight wad for all your treats? Let the kid enjoy life! Jimminy crickets!
'Muffin Top' should be covered up with a baggy shirt. No one needs to see that! Your boxers? Ya, the ones hanging out of your plumber pants? I'm sure that I see a skid mark. Hello! Underwear are not a fashion statement. They are to protect your junk from the elements. Do not make their job harder than it has to be.
You will sit at the table you are brought to. There is science behind the seating chart method. You are rocking the boat like a drunk sailor when you need to move somewhere else. There is NOT a draft in here. It is your imagination. Your over inflated sense of importance is yelling for attention. Eggs do not precede a moment of lactose intolerance. Eggs are not dairy! If you are on a restricted diet, eat at home. We do not cook the food. How are we supposed to know what's in it? Your soup will stay hot enough to eat if you would stop talking long enough to give it a go! Don't tell ME I brought it out cold! I almost burnt my finger making sure that this wasn't the case! (I jest of course) Do not order cold cereal or oatmeal in a restaurant. Just..WHY? Don't do it. Ask your waitress for everything you need all at once. If you are having brain farts and keep making her run, tip more. People! People! Napkins cost money! We do not reuse them. Don't ask for them just so your table can look prettier. If your child does not mash noodles into your carpet at home, then definitely put the kibosh on it in a public dining establishment. The coffee you are drinking does not taste old. There is no burnt flavor. It is kept in a thermos! Water with lemon is pretentious. Tasty, but pretentious. Water with lemon and a coupon...screams cheapskate! Water with lemon and sugar.. that's lemonade and I'm charging you accordingly! It also screams..NO TIP! Which equals apathetic service and a mind that cannot possibly recall what you've requested me to run in the back for...yet again!
Don't eat out of the bins in a grocery store. Do not eat the produce off the carts. This is STEALING. One grape? Who really cares about one grape? Um, still STEALING!!! STOP! Don't decide you don't want your gallon of ice cream or pork tenderloins and leave them in the cereal isle. Put them back or give them to the cashier. She knows you're an indecisive shopper already. No surprise to her! Your shopping cart goes 'in' the corral. Lazy! Push it into the one in front of it. I'm entirely certain that 1,000's of improperly placed shopping carts make the cart boy love his minimum wage job. He's probably blogging right now about the joy and fulfillment he experiences every day.
Just because I look like I know what's going on does not mean I work here. Look at my clothes! Am I wearing a Walgreen's/Walmart uniform? I cannot tell you how many times this has happened. I just help the person and shake my head in astonishment! They obviously needed the help!
Please people! Pull your head out and gaze in wonderment! There are people besides your fine self in the world. We know you will have your 'moments' this is ok. We've all been there. But, if you are continually getting bad service, strangers are flipping you off, the person in the line behind you is trying to make your miserable child happy and you are not smiling regularly... You have been drinking too much of the water. Stop now! Someone has poisoned it with dumbass and you've had too much! Stupid is oozing from your pores and you risk infecting innocent passers-by. Start an email petition to launch a congressional inquiry into the origins of stupid. It is reaching epidemic proportions. I'm sure the trend would swing violently upward on a graph. Just don't be a victim. Close your slack jawed mouth and take action before any more action is taken on you. Now you know that imminent danger is lurking all around you.
Since I have just exposed the 'Stupid Dumbass Conspiracy', on the Internet no less...Please come looking for me if I disappear. "THEY" are no doubt already on the way.